11. 25 . 2020 @ 4:56 PM.

It's a few things. Nothing critical, nothing crazy. Nothing tragic. But I also don't want to down play this whole thing as these ARE my feelings. Typically, I would never post such things... I pride myself in being a private person but I know I will get passed this... and I want to be transparent in my journey as I want to be inspirational. To be fair, I have no intentions of going out of my way to share this... so if you run into this, Hello there: welcome to the thoughts I chose to share at 4:56 PM, the day before Thanksgiving (11/25/2020).

Seasonal depression - if you suffer from it, March is your only escape. If you personally know me, you've heard this rant before - shorter days - summer is taken away from me, therefore, I am forced to face my truths. Today, I want to get into some of those current truths & I want them to flow as fluid as possible:

I, am, bored. At work, I am bored... I learn new things, and then I am bored again. I read to educate myself, and I feel like I am not learning or not learning fast enough; I'm bored. I take naps, and still feel tired. I read for entertainment but I am bored. I watch TV for entertainment and feel like I could be using that time to educate myself.. on things that matter. I have interests in various subjects but feel there aren't enough hours in the day to tackle them all.

I've recently discovered so many things about myself and realized I'm very selfish and I'm not that positive to be around. I have a lot of self-reflecting to do.

I honestly feel like I am running out of time; like I have to hurry up and transform to become this lady I should have BEEN by now.

I feel like I'm on the wrong side of wrong VS right. 

I log on twitter and I see the same locals talking about... insignificant things; Things that once entertained me once upon a time. I log on Instagram, and I see the same half naked women flexing the same designer shoes and bags and promoting the same advertisements that don't work... boring. I look at people's snapchat stories and its the same people preaching the same things they don't practice.. boring. Haha, either I'm changing or I'm just miserable - or both. I mean, it's not like it angers me - I just want nothing to do with it. I know there's more, I'm just trying to figure out what.

I keep thinking shopping from my wishlist will fill the void I have - it doesn't. I just have another dress or handbag to add to my collection to post pictures in? To make people feel bad? What is the reason? Yes I love the things I buy. Yes I like to look nice. When you look good, you feel good. But I don't like to flex. I don't like to show off.

I'm at at a stage where I'm questioning everything I thought I wanted. Why does all this really matter? At this moment, I feel kind of jealous that the possession of material things is actually able to fulfill people. How? Why? It does nothing for me. Maybe for a few days.. but then I feel empty again.

I am getting antsy playing this 'financially responsible' waiting game - I am bored. While most people find pleasure in traveling, lately, I actually stress about it. For example, I already stress about planning it and now with COVID in the picture, this has made it worse.

If I have to pay, I stress because... I am wasting money on 'memories' not something I can physically keep or invest in. This would be a whole different story if I were financially free. This is so sad to write down and admit - and its so sad to read out loud. But it is the truth.. that's how I truly feel about booking my own trips since I've been trying to save up tons of money. 

I hate when people tell me, "All you care about is money." Money eliminates problems whether you want to admit it or not. To be able to say, 'I'm going to book a vacation to Mexico." is a beautiful thing - its a luxury. We deserve luxury. To be able to say, "I'm going to do, XYZ." without having to worry about having enough cash or worrying about disrupting the budget? We deserve that. No one wants to live uncomfortable and count change or have 'just enough' to pay the bills - no one wants to live just to pay the bills. Money isn't everything, put it provides a peace of mind. 

Besides the planning the vacation, how will I look in these vacation pictures? Which brings me to my next worries.  I am so out of shape and I need to get all the right angles.

Why must I always aim for perfection when I know perfection is not possible.  Why must I always compare myself to others in every aspect when I know the facts? When I know people never display their true selves to the public eye?

Why do I want a 'banging' body? Is it for me? For my boyfriend? For the internet? To compete with the next girl? Is it me who wants this ideal figure? What is this the ideal figure? Who says? Me? Does the culture still has me brainwashed of what the ideal figure is? Maybe to an extent. It's not like a glorify unrealistic surgery 'Instagram' bodies - I don't aspire to look that way. But why does '115 lbs me' make me feel like a 12 year old boy? Because that's what these boys say?

Lets say I finally attain this dream body of mine - then what? What would I even do with it? Would I feel confident or would I find something else to nitpick? Probably - its human nature. But the truth is, if I could attain this dream body of mine, I would probably feel amazing and have the desire to put people on because that's the type of girl I am.

However, the way I am now, I don't even have the motivation to work out or eat better which is pathetic as I haven't even let myself go to that capacity. I just don't feel like doing anything.

I am in a slump. And I think the only way to wake up is to actually start building up to the things that make me feel alive. So lets do something about it today; lets start today. "Girl Wash Your Face" is one of the books on my vision board I was suppose to read this year. I bought the audio version because I'm sorry, I just can't read self-help books. Fiction, yes no problem, but I can't read self-help books. I get too distracted.

I think my current problem is, my brain is too disorganized and I'm trying to tackle too many things at once mentally with no structure, and as a result, it is becoming discouraging and counterproductive.

I find so much pleasure in making women realizing their true worth and making people smile. The true challenge comes with finding my true worth and making myself smile & then sharing what worked with me with you. I want to get my life together to I can help you get your life together. That's all I want. 

Baby girl, what makes you feel alive - if you could spend your day doing anything in the world what would it be? What would you talk about? What would you show people? What kind of stories would you tell? What kind of TV shows do you like to watch? What kind of Youtube videos do you watch? Write these things down - and work towards that because its a hint towards your role.