Carry yourself like a queen: Things a classy confident lady should never do or allow.
This list is based off my personal experiences that have made me feel uneasy (during and after the fact) and based on situations that have made me feel second hand embarrassment for other women. Though I've been practicing most of the things on this list for years, part of this list is also based off things I've recently learned in regards to being an elegant woman. Nonetheless, I want to share them all with you.
Therefore, no need to get offended, we're in this journey together. This may come off as harsh; its not for the weak - think of it as an older sister showing you love and guidance.
Perception matters, whether you like it or not. First impressions determine whether someone wants to pursue you or not, build a relationship with you or not - would hire you or not. And though the introvert in you may careless, the fact is, meeting new people and leaving a good impression is one of those things that help you to get ahead.
If you still don't care, then stay tuned for a future post that resonates more with you. Keep reading to discover 18 things a classy confident women should not do - in my opinion of course.
1. Dress
code / Revealing outfits
If someone
invites you to a networking event, upscale restaurant, museum etc... please
consider the appropriate dress code. Wearing 6-inch heels and a low cut bedazzled dress as
if you're spending another night at Elixir smoking hookah is inappropriate.
Think about it. Do you want to be remembered by your persona - or your low cut Fashion Nova dress?
Listen ladies,
a confident classy woman grabs the attention of the room by her presence alone.
She does not need to bare it all to captivate the room - she already does
because she IS that girl. There are plenty of ways to show off your beautiful
curves without doing it in a distasteful way; ways that makes you look like
someone who is desperate for attention. YOU should make the statement - not the
revealing dress you're wearing.
If this is how
you want to present yourself though, just expect to attract cheap dusty,
low-valued men who will make unattractive attempts to pursue you.
Same goes for laid back events - if someone invites you to a baseball game, wearing a flashy gown is also inappropriate. I am not saying to dress as if you rolled out of bed, of course you can still dress to impress. The point is, a classy lady does not use her ensemble to draw negative attention to herself.
Dress for
the occasion, ladies - and leave some to the imagination. Please follow my
Instagram blog at @nalabeaute for several examples of well dressed brown women.
2. Cursing too
much / Speaking like a hoodlum
Ladies, there is NOTHING classy about cursing like a sailor! And yes I am extremely guilty of this, however, I can say I've toned it down with the potty mouth. Seriously, it's not cute; not only is it poor etiquette, but it also shows you can't control your emotions.
Dropping F bombs every two seconds is just very masculine behavior and if we want to bring out more of that feminine side, we need to stay away from ALL habits associated with masculinity. Part of the woman charm is how sweet, dainty & fragile we can allow ourselves to appear; like a flower.
Swearing all the time makes you appear angry; anger is not an emotion you want to carry around and constantly associate yourself with; no one wants to be around an angry woman; it's just so negative & uncomfortable so we want to avoid it at all costs.
Another word that makes me cringe when its used by women of African descent is the N word. Especially when its used excessively. If you want to give the impression you are a lady, you must eliminate this word from your vocabulary or at least reduce its use. I understand many blacks use it to reclaim the word, but ladies believe me it does not suit you as what has become of it just has a masculine 'street life' connotation. Save that word for your homeboys.
Another one is, speaking like your friend who grew up in the 'hood' for example: saying phrases like, "my dog, my n-word" this includes the mannerisms too. 'Hood mannerisms' (bird man hand rubs, 'dappin' up your friends, clasping/ pounding your fists when speaking & such) are associated with masculine energy by default; these mannerisms do not suit a lady. Theres a reason why men (even the ones who grew up in the streets) are turned off by women who speak like this - they want to date a lady not their homeboy.
It may be too hard to eliminate curse words all at once if you are a regular potty mouth. You can start off by NOT swearing in every sentence, then turn that to hours, days, weeks and so on. If I can do it, so can you. Believe!
If you think it's geeky to substitute these words with, "freakin', darn, dag" ect... just don't say that either - expand your vocabulary so you don't have to say those words at all.
3. Inquiring
about a person's salary
It may be common sense to some, so they may be wondering why its on this list, well it happens more regularly than you know. Anywho, simply, it is none of your business. Especially if you are just meeting this person. Indeed it, google it - whatever. But someone's financial matters is none of your business and asking such questions makes you look like an invasive nosy classless person.
4. Oversharing
(in person or online)
Ladies, no one needs to know every little move you make whether its what you ate for breakfast (yes, you excessive Facebook status updater) or your favorite sex position. Have you ever been at a party and this random guy just tells you his whole life story and you're like, "why is he telling me all this?" Ladies - if thats you - that is weird and you know it.
The era of social media made it so that nothing is sacred anymore. Sharing every little detail about your life makes you appear lonely, desperate, undesirable; and predictable. As we all know predictability gets boring. The world or some person you just met shouldn't get to know it all - keep most things from the world. If its a possible love interest, make them work for the intimate, deeper details about you. Be mysterious - be alluding.
5. Breaking the Girl's Night Out Code / Not controlling your liquor
As women, it's important we don't exceed our drinking limit. We must be in control at all times due to these predators. It's unfortunate that we have to be cautious this way but its the sad reality; we are better off taking care of ourselves and each other than stopping some predator with an evil mentality.
A classy woman takes care of herself and looks out for her friends when they're out drinking. A classy caring woman does not leave her friend intoxicated at an event they arrived together to. If for whatever reason she needs to leave before her friend, she makes sure her friend is all set or just doesn't enable her friend get to that point, period. Too many sad stories on the news due to women being left alone because evil men can't control themselves.
Beauties, it is not lady like to drink it up to the point you're passing out on a couch and/or acting like a loud (drunk) mess bringing unnecessary attention to yourself (I believe family/ close friends gathering are an exception).
Examples would be, saying crazy things you'll regret in the morning, inadvertently flashing your private parts, getting super touchy, starting fights, making out with the entire room (whatever kind of drunk you are). I remember this ONE time in my late teens I got so trashed and acted a fool & said obnoxious things - it still haunts me that I left that impression. Cringe!
Ladies, chill. You're probably embarrassing yourself, and probably embarrassing the people that end up babysitting you; they're just too kind to say anything.
Even if you're in college! You may not care about bad reputations but its a thing. If thats how you want to be remembered, "Cassy the party girl who was always getting trashed" by all means girl, do you but that is what it is. Listen, you can party without getting trashed. It is possible!
And if you're not in college - well, you're not in college - be civilized. Use your inside voice - there is no reason for Bobby to be able to hear you across the room. Yes, you too my Dominican ladies - I know its hard. There is a time and place for everything and at social gatherings where you are meeting guests for the first time, networking, at a work party & such, acting like a crazy drunk is not appropriate - first impressions matter ladies. First impressions matter.
6. Being tardy to everything
One of my biggest pet peeves; just down right disrespectful. And its irksome to me how as people of color, we take pride in this disrespectful behavior by poking fun and calling it "CP time". Being late happens to everyone. I get that. But when you can NEVER be on time for anything, might as well say, "Our engagement isn't that important to me, therefore, no need to manage my time better. I can careless if I have to make you wait an hour." If you have tons of errands to run, have kids, have class, finishing work, have a previous engagement - be realistic about your ETA. Do not make people wait for you. It's inconsiderate and just indicates you do not value their time at all.
7.
Interrupting
I am so guilty of this! But it is so true! It is SO rude! I do it because I have short term memory and if I don't get it out I will forget especially if I'm in a middle of a disagreement. But ladies, just do not do it. Wait. Wait it out. Let the person finish - its part of having a respectful conversation. A conversation where you respect each other's thoughts and able to communicate like adults - note to self. Listen to listen not to respond.
8. Getting on social media and posting
screenshots of men in your DMs.
Another act of a classless, desperate woman. First of all, its mean spirited as you are embarrassing the man who privately messaged you. Not to mention, it's just simply immature. In the end, you're the one who looks like a fool because you're acting like getting attention is something that never happens to you. As women, it is natural for us to be constantly approached; in person or online. A confident classy lady would never expose men who aspire to be her suitor.
Posting this man's message showing he's interested in you or constantly bragging about the men who want to date you (or worst, have sexual relations with you) just makes you look like you need validation from others; like you need to convince us and yourself that you ARE appealing enough to approach.
9. Giving
women dirty looks
This goes without saying - problematic women are the worst kind of tasteless. Shows you're insecure, judgmental, and willing to get violent which is the most classless act of them all. Ladies, if you are a victim of dirty looks please don't entertain it; just act like the hater doesn't exist. Nothing makes a hater girl more irritated than being invisible and not being able to rattle your cage.
10. Always being on defense/ reading negative intent in everything
A classy confident lady is bright, doesn't take herself too seriously yet, doesn't bring negative attention to herself. Overall, she is easy going - people are drawn to her warm aura.
Always looking at the glass half empty is far from the traits I just described. No one wants to be around an energy drainer; someone who literally reads everything as a personal attack and is constantly on defense. Ladies, when this is how your mind is wired, you react in a negative way whether you realize it or not; just a bad cloud and very awkward to be around. Making people feel uncomfortable is bad etiquette, therefore there is no way you should consider this type of mindset as classy.
11. Gossiping
at social gatherings
Out of all the things you can talk about in the world today: Election Day, police brutality, Nigeria, COVID-19, you want to talk about how the girl across the room has slept with 3 of the men attending the function? Ladies, when we initiate these conversations (especially with other girls you just met), it says more about you than anyone else and if you're the one that's being approached about this tea, do not entertain it as you will also be associated with gossiping. Listen, I don't care what these motivational posts or self-help books say - no one is above gossiping but please ladies, have the consideration and self respect to save it for the group chat.
12. Being in
altercations (in person or online)
A classy lady does not fight or entertain the world with their petty 'beef'. Especially at this day and age where everything is being recorded and can go viral in seconds. If you have a problem with someone, address it privately. If someone tries to approach you in a hostile manner in the DMs, live on the TL, or even blast you on their Instagram story, simply: do not react. Do not feed into it by any means (yes ladies, this means subtle subliminal posts as well).
In person, you may offer to discuss it in private. If they refuse, simply walk away. You shouldn't have to entertain a woman who is being disrespectful and doesn't know how to behave in a proper manner. Do not stoop down to her level. Show the difference between you and women like her. You do not owe her the privilege of your time. When it gets to that point, their problem with you should be kept as THEIR problem, therefore, it should be beneath you.
Do you truly understand how being unbothered really irritates the enemy? No, not 'saying' you're unbothered, actually being unbothered. Meaning, treating the situation like it does not exist; like they do not phase you one bit. If you are bothered though, at least act like you're not.
If you believe that you need to entertaining a catty woman in order to not to appear like a doormat, you still have a lot of evolving to do and this post (or whole page) is not for you. Why? Because letting another woman dominate your emotions and letting her get you out of your character is not a classy act.
13. Letting your emotions get the best of you in a public setting.
Very similar to the one above. Picture this: you're at a store standing in line when the cashier tells the woman at the cash register that they only issue store credit. Now, she's lashing out at the cashier who is merely doing her job and the entire line and others close by can hear her. As you know, this says so much more about her than the cashier and the store's policy. Now picture that angry customer being you - do you feel embarrassed thinking about it? You should - behaving that way is simply embarrassing, and graceless.
One of the most ungraceful things I have ever witnessed. Not knowing how to control your emotions is very tasteless. Personally, I have a bad temper and very capable of acting like this especially if I'm being provoked. However, I've learned to count to myself in order to calm myself down that way, I behave in a rational manner and not like a mad woman.
We need to understand that being able to control your emotions is stronger than lashing out and making a fool out of yourself. Not everything needs to be confronted.
14. Allowing men to call you degrading names.
"My b*tch does this." "I do whatever for my broad." "My h*e holds me down." Ew - ladies, why do you even allow this. You are a woman. Not a female dog, not some girl your partner found on the street corner. "Its a term of endearment" - Oh please. There is nothing endearing about being called out of your name; derogatory names at that. If this is the type of behavior you enable, please do not expect to be treated like a classy woman when it really matters.
15. Addressing every little single thing
Again, silence is the best way to fight when it comes to negativity. There is nothing more powerful than silence when it comes to petty matters. Whether you're a Beyonce fan or not, you got to admit that she is so classy and graceful. ESPECIALLY when she's made the headlines for something controversial; she says nothing. Doesn't explain herself, doesn't answer silly questions, or accusations. She just ignores it all as a queen doesn't address nosy peasants. Ladies, it is so silly addressing every little negative thing someone has to say about you. Carry yourself with your head high.
This even applies to self-deprecating comments whether its through photo captions or group conversations. A classy woman does not address every single flaw they have. Not only are you probably now bringing attention to it, but like #10, it makes people feel uncomfortable and you appear very insecure. That "diss myself before they can diss me" mentality gets tired real fast.
Anywho, next time you want to get on snapchat and write a paragraph on a black snapchat background explaining yourself to a group of hater girls and hater boys or making disclaimers, ask yourself: who are these people? Why do I even need to address this?
Be a Lori, be a Beyonce, be a Megan Markle not a Cardi B who needs to make a statement for every little thing that's thought or said about her.
16. Being too flashy
Posting pictures of your 1K dinner receipt, always posting pictures of your bags, always talking about how much you make. Every designer item you own is in monogram print or big bold logos. And when you wear it all at once? Tacky. Excessive.
Believe me, in terms of clothing, you can look cheap even if you're covered in 10K worth of merchandise. Shows you can't put a decent outfit together and that labels define you. It makes it seem like you're not used to nice things because of your need to constantly display them.
"Look at me, look at me! I have money." A classy lady with deep pockets doesn't need to be loud and flashy. Her classic minimal style and subtle designer pieces do the talking especially because the rich QUALITY speaks for itself - she doesn't need to force it, she doesn't need the validation. She invests in material things more for the quality than to show off, she eats at upscale restaurants because she enjoys fine dining. She enjoys the fine things in life for HERSELF not social media. She got it like that and she knows it and it speaks for itself. A light flex > flashy flex.
17. Impulsive speaker
Not thinking before you speak is very tasteless. It makes you look silly and it might embarrass the person you're speaking to; especially if its a personal question that has nothing to do with you. Remember, its bad etiquette to make people uncomfortable. Remember the most common forbidden conversation topics: politics, religion, sex, and discussing people's salary.
18. Caked up make-up.
I will make this short; make up is supposed to enhance your natural beauty. Having pounds of it on just makes it look like you're trying too hard. That IG/ Youtube look looks bizarre in person. Opt for natural glam looks and practice a good skin care routine so you don't need 5 layers of foundation. The women featured in Vogue beauty/ make-up tutorials are an excellent example of an every day make-up look. Now THATS goals.
Do you feel under attack? Don't. We're in this together. We may feel like we came from nothing, and now we have to show off all the time to prove to the world we have something now. We may feel that the only way to get a man's attention is to show cleavage all the time because we've been told 'to look good for men because women need to have a husband to be considered a good woman.'
Because of our upbringings, we may argue in public or get into fights to prove that we aren't punks. Or, we were never taught proper etiquette because our parents didn't have the privilege to be taught. And lastly, we may behave in a reckless manner because, "Well, men can do it so why can't we?" But beauties, there is beauty in being a woman. We are divine in our own right so we must stop making what 'men do' the standard for who's the 'better' species.
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